Friday, April 12, 2013

Twinkies R.I.P.

As y’all may have heard, Hostess—the maker of Twinkies—filed for bankruptcy last year, and the fate of the iconic yellow snack cake has been in flux ever since. Panic-buying, hoarding, and black market Twinkies ran wild--it's been total snack food chaos.  News suggests Twinkies may be back on the shelves sooner rather than later, but nothing is guaranteed.

So with their fate still unknown, I face Emily Rachelle's arrow: writing a poem grieving Twinkies death. Let's begin with a moment of silence.

(Psst...while we're not talking, here's a visual aid for those of you unfamiliar with the Twinkie:

See the waving-creepy-smiley Twinkie dude? Is he SURFING on the Twinkie? What does that even mean? And who wants snack food with a face?! So many questions...)

Moving on.

I have a confession: I’ve never eaten a Twinkie. *wince* I know, it’s probably un-American considering Twinkies have been around since 1930.

But when I signed up for this arrow, I knew that had to change. Yet now that I’d waited, Twinkies had one foot in the snack food grave, and they weren’t easy to find.

Enter For 9.99, a single Twinkie could be mine, and for 499.99 (yup, you read that right $499.99) I could nab an entire fifty-count box! (Btw, the fifty-count package was aptly named the “Get Crazy Party Pack”, no doubt highlighting the insanity of anyone willing to shell out five-hundred dollars for processed snack food with sketchy ingredients and an undetermined shelf life. But I’m getting ahead here).

So I pulled the trigger and ordered a single Twinkie. And then I waited.

And waited.


Glaciers shifted faster than UPS with my Twinkie. This was me, waiting (if I had gorgeous brown hair and lucious lashes):

And then I waited some more. Soon I felt like this:

Give me my Twinkie!

I WANTED my Twinkie. I NEEDED my Twinkie.

But it never came. As of yesterday, my Twinkie was still MIA, which ruined all my pre-poem planning. Gah! My plans to share the endangered-processed-goodness with my Twinkie Team (my boys, ages 13, 11, 7, and 5) was FOILED.

So I did some research on what Twinkies are made of, who likes them, and what-not. Without further ado, here we go.

Twinkies R.I.P.

Packed in plastic and golden yellow
insides slick as half-done jello
Twinkies aren't for the faint of heart
the creamy filling is where I'll start.

Processed cream a hidden treasure
dairy-free by any measure
Not a drop of "cream" in sight
It's shortening, baby. Ick, that's right.

37 parts make up each cake*
Makes me wonder . . . are they even baked?!
5 ingredients come from rocks
I'm not kidding--check the box.

The processed goodness doesn't end there
Twinkie's ingredients are broadly share(d)
Think sheet rock, shampoo, and rocket fuel
Oh c'mon Hostess, that's just cruel.

Snack cake secrets...seriously, who knew?
Twinkies "cream" is contained by glue,
plus cellulose gum and calcium sulfate
Yup, it's all in that Twinkie you ate.

Even tough guy John McClane
(you know the dude--think Die Hard fame)
downed an old  Twinkie and nearly hurled
Twinkies are dicey in every world.

So maybe it's best that Twinkies died
(dear Lord I read some are deep-fried!)
But Twinkie lovers are not easily swayed
protests were lodged; complaints have been made.

Hollywood celebs took to the streets
mourning Twinkies' death in heaps of Tweets
Mario Lopez . . . Rob Lowe too
The death of this snack food simply won't do.

Word is the Twinkie will be resurrected
like a vampire rising undetected
This iconic snack food just got a reprieve
turns out we don't have to grieve.

37 ingredients I never tasted
Perhaps my $9.99 was fully wasted
On the other hand, perhaps fate was kind (to me)
Because Twinkie guts are just plain sketch-y.

The End

There you have it! A poem grieving Twinkies possibly-premature death. Emily, I really hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for shooting us a Cupid's Arrow. :)

Author's Note and Twinkie Tracking Update:

My Twinkie is still (I hope? I dread?) on its way to me. However, I no longer want to feel I can keep all this epic processed-food-goodness to myself. :) So I'm giving it away. You, you heard me: my missing Twinkie is up for grabs. (note the lovely golden sponge cake color:D)

I'll tweet status updates daily with the hashtag #TwinkieTrack. Once I get it, I've tweet #TakeMyTwinkie and the first to reply with that hashtag, wins the coveted snack cake.** Imma also throwing in a fun YA release, title of which will remain a mystery (kind-of like the make-up of a Twinkie)...but it contains a YA character with hair the color of a golden sponge cake. :)

Good luck and happy Friday!

*Sources: The Twinkie, Deconstructed and more.  And in case you were curious, here is Hostess's response to the deconstruction:

Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe. We think the millions of people … would agree that Twinkies just taste great.—David Leavitt, Vice President Snack Marketing at Hostess. 

I leave you with that deep thought: "Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe."

**The #TakeMyTwinkie contest is open to North American residents only. Truthfully, I'm not sure that Twinkies should be spread abroad...will ponder that another day.:)


  1. OMG: The case of the AWOL Twinkie! I'll bet the UPS guy was ambushed during delivery! That HAS to be it!

    You are a champ for making this Twinkie poem considering the week you're having.

    Sending you butt-kicking vibes, which you may use for whatever you wish (on a ms, children, etc.)!

    1. Thanks Kristen! :)

      *stalks UPS truck* *gives up* *grabs butt-kicking vibes* *runs back to edit cave* :)

  2. Wow, I've learned so much about the Twinkie from your poem. I was more of a fan of the Little Debbie Oatmeal creme pie myself. Now to stalk your twitter hashtag!

    1. I think the Little Debbie Oatmeal creme pie is a better call. :) However, I'm terrified to explore whether the "cream" is truly cream...*shudders*

      Once you know...*shudders again* :)

  3. One day, you and your twinkie will come together, in some rain-soaked embrace of passion straight out of a Nicolas Sparks movie. Great poem! And who would $500 for a twinkie? Maybe the same people who paid $500 for beanie babies in the 90s.

    1. Oh, the Beanie Baby craze. I remember it well. I think you're on to something...

      "rain soaked embrace of passion"--<3 It! But I will not squeeze said-Twinkie Philip. I won't dare risk damaging the spongey-goodness for the lucky #TakeMyTwinkie winner.:) #promise

  4. I'm not a Twinkie fan myself. I've eaten half of one and bought a box once for a car trip because we tell stories about Bob the Raccoon and his constant Twinkie Quest (yes, we're that weird) My kids didn't even like them (and started doubting Bob the Raccoon's passion-lol).

    Fun arrow. I'm new to your blog. Best of luck 2014 debut authors:D

    1. Robin,

      So glad you stopped by! Now that I know what's in them, I'm not sure I'm a Twinkie fan either. :) One day I may bite the buller, er, Twinkie and try one though--like a bucket list sort-of thing.:)

      And I <3333 the idea of a Twinkie Quest! Yes! Quests are AWESOME. We should all have a quest now and then, without judging the object of the quest. #questsFTW :)

      And thanks for the luck! :) *sends you Valentine love*

  5. Bahahahahaha! This made my entire day!!!!!!!!

    (Nice touch with the pic of #RHONJ's Jacqueline blinking with those luscious lashes)

    1. Thanks Amy! :) So glad!

      Oh the power of the gif.:) hehe

  6. *falls on the ground, bowing at Lynne's feet*

    ALL HAIL THE MASTER OF CUPID'S ARROWS. LOVE. Repeat. LOVE this post!! And your #TakeMyTwinkie hash will bring me more joy than it should.


    1. Bethany, I am undeserving.:) Just glad it wasn't an epic fail!:)

      So glad you enjoyed it! I truly had no idea someone had actually deconstructed the Twinkie. Who knew?!

      *off to ponder the universe at its most basic elements*

      Oh wait, someone did that. #BigBangTheory :)

  7. Lynne, you are officially my hero! LOVE your ode to the demise of the twinkie. And I'm feeling extremely relieved that I'm gluten-intolerant, so I've never eaten one of those things. *shuddering while thinking about ingredients*

    I bow down before you, in awe of your poetry and multi-tasking skills, considering the week you've been having :)

    1. Hugs Anne! You're too funny. I think my life as mom of 4 boys was training for this week.:)

      And after reading the ingredients, I must say, being gluten-free has never been safer.:) Seriously, what is "sodium acid pyrophosphate? (I mean, other than a dispersant in oil well drilling muds and sold as the branded food product "Antelope Powder.") *shudders with you* :)

  8. Wow, I was never a big fan of the twinkie, but I'll admit I've eaten them a few times. But now... just... ew. Epic poem, you totally rocked this Cupid's Arrow--I LOVED it!

    1. Thanks Sara! :) I know what you mean about the "ew" factor.:)


  9. I too have never eaten a Twinkie, and your awesome poem has completely validated that decision! :)

  10. *applauds* Educational AND entertaining! And a little nauseating, but that's Twinkies' fault, not yours.

    1. Sara, it was the shortening reveal, wasn't it? WHERE's THE CREAM?! (It's as MIA as my Twinkie.:D)

      Btw, I'm sending you a million Valentine hugs for your help this week.:)


  11. There are NO WORDS for you people who have not eaten Twinkies. Have you also not partaken of Twinkie's half-step-cousin the Zinger? Get the raspberry ones that are red and covered in coconut, not the ones that are pretending to be angel food cake.

    True story: one of my leukemia patients ONLY ate raspberry Zingers. Great source of calories for someone post-chemo and underweight but he's probably in the cardiac ICU now.


    1. Confession: I've never eaten a Zinger. Apparently I'm a full-on snack food fail.:)

      And I can't speak for Zingers. THEY COULD BE TOTALLY HEALTHY.:) I mean, they have a fruit in the harmful could they be?! (Paula--don't answer that. :D)


  12. Okay, so... not what I had in mine, but hilarious! Love it! (Note to self: FIND THIS WOMAN ON TWITTER. And watch her tweets closely. LIKE A STA-er, um, BOSS.)

    1. Emily,

      I'm so glad you found me on Twitter. I've always wanted to be LIKE A BOSS. Huge compliment--I'll take it!:)

      Thanks for making my Valentine arrow so fun...even if it wasn't what you were expecting. Hopefully I haven't ruined Twinkies for you 4-evah.:)

  13. U are hilarious! I guess we know now why twinkies gave a hundred year shelf life.

    1. *hugs you tightly* You're too sweet.

      And the shelf life? Seriously, people in 2113 will dig one up and be like, "Ew. People ate these?!" #Twinkiefossil :)

      *Just realized my Twinkie will outlive me* *shudders* :)

  14. This is just awesome. But I can't believe you've never eaten a Twinkie!!! I was more of a Devil Dog gal, with the occasional Ring Ding thrown in for some chemical-laden variety. I'm now anxiously following your errant Twinkie's journey.


  15. Stephanie,

    I''ve never eaten a Ding-Dong or Devil Dog either. I *think* I ate a HoHo once, but for the life me, I can't remember.:)

    I did eat some Georgia Moon-Pies though. (I know, totally sketchy.):)

    And big-time congrats on winning the Twinkie! Woot! :)