Twinkies R.I.P.

As y’all may have heard, Hostess—the maker of Twinkies—filed for bankruptcy last year, and the fate of the iconic yellow snack cake has been in flux ever since. Panic-buying, hoarding, and black market Twinkies ran wild--it's been total snack food chaos.  News suggests Twinkies may be back on the shelves sooner rather than later, but nothing is guaranteed.

So with their fate still unknown, I face Emily Rachelle's arrow: writing a poem grieving Twinkies death. Let's begin with a moment of silence.

(Psst...while we're not talking, here's a visual aid for those of you unfamiliar with the Twinkie:

See the waving-creepy-smiley Twinkie dude? Is he SURFING on the Twinkie? What does that even mean? And who wants snack food with a face?! So many questions...)

Moving on.

I have a confession: I’ve never eaten a Twinkie. *wince* I know, it’s probably un-American considering Twinkies have been around since 1930.

But when I signed up for this arrow, I knew that had to change. Yet now that I’d waited, Twinkies had one foot in the snack food grave, and they weren’t easy to find.

Enter BuyTwinkies.com. For 9.99, a single Twinkie could be mine, and for 499.99 (yup, you read that right $499.99) I could nab an entire fifty-count box! (Btw, the fifty-count package was aptly named the “Get Crazy Party Pack”, no doubt highlighting the insanity of anyone willing to shell out five-hundred dollars for processed snack food with sketchy ingredients and an undetermined shelf life. But I’m getting ahead here).

So I pulled the trigger and ordered a single Twinkie. And then I waited.

And waited.

*yawn*

Glaciers shifted faster than UPS with my Twinkie. This was me, waiting (if I had gorgeous brown hair and lucious lashes):

And then I waited some more. Soon I felt like this:

Give me my Twinkie!

I WANTED my Twinkie. I NEEDED my Twinkie.

But it never came. As of yesterday, my Twinkie was still MIA, which ruined all my pre-poem planning. Gah! My plans to share the endangered-processed-goodness with my Twinkie Team (my boys, ages 13, 11, 7, and 5) was FOILED.

So I did some research on what Twinkies are made of, who likes them, and what-not. Without further ado, here we go.

Twinkies R.I.P.

Packed in plastic and golden yellow
insides slick as half-done jello
Twinkies aren't for the faint of heart
the creamy filling is where I'll start.

Processed cream a hidden treasure
dairy-free by any measure
Not a drop of "cream" in sight
It's shortening, baby. Ick, that's right.

37 parts make up each cake*
Makes me wonder . . . are they even baked?!
5 ingredients come from rocks
I'm not kidding--check the box.

The processed goodness doesn't end there
Twinkie's ingredients are broadly share(d)
Think sheet rock, shampoo, and rocket fuel
Oh c'mon Hostess, that's just cruel.

Snack cake secrets...seriously, who knew?
Twinkies "cream" is contained by glue,
plus cellulose gum and calcium sulfate
Yup, it's all in that Twinkie you ate.

Even tough guy John McClane
(you know the dude--think Die Hard fame)
downed an old  Twinkie and nearly hurled
Twinkies are dicey in every world.

So maybe it's best that Twinkies died
(dear Lord I read some are deep-fried!)
But Twinkie lovers are not easily swayed
protests were lodged; complaints have been made.

Hollywood celebs took to the streets
mourning Twinkies' death in heaps of Tweets
Mario Lopez . . . Rob Lowe too
The death of this snack food simply won't do.

Word is the Twinkie will be resurrected
like a vampire rising undetected
This iconic snack food just got a reprieve
turns out we don't have to grieve.

37 ingredients I never tasted
Perhaps my $9.99 was fully wasted
On the other hand, perhaps fate was kind (to me)
Because Twinkie guts are just plain sketch-y.

The End

There you have it! A poem grieving Twinkies possibly-premature death. Emily, I really hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for shooting us a Cupid's Arrow. :)

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Author's Note and Twinkie Tracking Update:

My Twinkie is still (I hope? I dread?) on its way to me. However, I no longer want to feel I can keep all this epic processed-food-goodness to myself. :) So I'm giving it away. You, you heard me: my missing Twinkie is up for grabs. (note the lovely golden sponge cake color:D)

I'll tweet status updates daily with the hashtag #TwinkieTrack. Once I get it, I've tweet #TakeMyTwinkie and the first to reply with that hashtag, wins the coveted snack cake.** Imma also throwing in a fun YA release, title of which will remain a mystery (kind-of like the make-up of a Twinkie)...but it contains a YA character with hair the color of a golden sponge cake. :)

Good luck and happy Friday!

*Sources: The Twinkie, Deconstructed and more.  And in case you were curious, here is Hostess's response to the deconstruction:

Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe. We think the millions of people … would agree that Twinkies just taste great.—David Leavitt, Vice President Snack Marketing at Hostess. 

I leave you with that deep thought: "Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe."

**The #TakeMyTwinkie contest is open to North American residents only. Truthfully, I'm not sure that Twinkies should be spread abroad...will ponder that another day.:)