A CUPID'S ARROW about J.R.R. Tolkien? Seriously?

Today I catch Cupid’s Arrow like a javelin to the chest! 

THWANG! 

This arrow was launched by Dialma Jensen. She asked one of the Valentines to do an epic ballad to profess her/his love for J.R.R. Tolkien. 

 

No sweat, right?

I was instantly attracted to this arrow because I am an outlandishly large LOTR fan. HOWEVER. I wasn’t sure about the "epic ballad" part because I thought it meant I’d have to do something like "Total Eclipse of the Heart". (And just so you're aware, do not even tell me you that love that song or else I will pretend I don’t know you when we pass on the street.)

But then! Very fortunately I discovered that an epic ballad originally meant "an extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero."

Now THAT I can do. Nobody does dignified and elevated like yours truly, and while I know you’re disappointed to not hear me sing, hopefully this will make up for it. Here we go!

An Epic Ballad in Honor 

of J.R.R. Tolkien

My man Tolkien, he invented the high fantasy genre,

And for that we all say, "Hey, awesome! Good on ya!"

He wrote of wizards, of elves, of Hobbits and Orcs,

 We fans love them all because we're really huge dorks.

But of all he created, I rate one thing the highest,

And I know that you’ll probably think I am biased.

But what do I love most about J.R.R. Tolkien?

The dudes he created are totally smokin’!

I could stare at lovely Legolas for hours, I'm lovesick!

Even though, yeah, he does kinda look like a chick.

And of course Aragorn! Manliest of all kings!

I even like his scruffy beard, which is not usually my thing.

And don’t get me started on Thorin Oakenshield,

You say a dwarf can’t be hawt? Bah! No sense do you wield!

And Frodo the Hobbit though obviously short,

Is still, in my book, the most bangable sort. 

Oh, wait! That other guy, he’s played by Karl Urban.

Such smoldering! Dayum. Someone get me a bourbon!

And what can I say to sweet, mistreated Faramir?

How ‘bout, “Forget your jerky dad, and get yo hot self over here!” 

 And, hey, let’s say your tastes run toward evil, disembodied eyes,

Then of course you would think Sauron is some kind of a prize.

 J.R.R., sincerely, I thank you for all of the swoons,

I’ll be rereading LOTR again very soon.

For I love them all, from the kings to the serfs,

Those hottest of dudes from your Middle Earth.

(I totally wasn't kidding about that bourbon, by the way. 

Where is it?)